Leah K. – Page 2 – In Search Of Healing

Denim Day

Posted on April 20, 20191 Comment

Denim Day is fast approaching. Do you know why Denim Day is important?

Denim Day was started in 1999 after Patti Occhiuzzo Giggans, Executive Director of Peace Over Violence, saw on the news a protest over a case in Italy where a rape conviction was overturned by the Italian Supreme Court. Which ruled the sex in this case had to have been consensual because the victim wore tight jeans. The Italian Supreme Court surmised the victim would have had to have helped take her tight jeans off, therefore, the sexual encounter would have had to have been consensual. As a response to the ruling, women in the Italian Parliament staged a protest on the steps of the Supreme Court wearing jeans. This protest was aired in the news internationally where Patti Giggans saw it and was inspired to start the first ever Denim Day protest to bring light to all the myths surrounding why women and girls are raped.

Denim Day is important because there are still many myths that surround victims of sexual assault that need to be addressed and dispelled. The only way to end rape culture is to end these myths which suggest it is somehow the victims fault. This is an important conversation that needs to be had.

No one asks to be raped or sexually assaulted. What the victim wears or how they look has no bearing on why they were victimized. They did not “ask” for it by their behavior or what they were doing.

In Society’s attempt to rationalize why someone would do such horrible things it has wrongly placed that blame on the victim. Society thinks no one would be so evil, therefore, there must be some reason; there must have been something the victim did to elicit such a thing. That “something” has spawned into: it must have been what they were wearing; they were drunk and asking for it; everyone knows they sleep around and are a slut; you should see the way they always flirt with everyone. The list goes on and on. What Society is missing is placing the blame on the one person to whom it belongs to…the offender. The Offender is the sole person responsible for their actions.

Instead of asking if the victim must have “asked” for it, why not ask what is wrong with the offender that they would do such a despicable thing, and how can we further protect society from this predator. Those are the real questions that need to be asked.

This year Denim Day will be held on April 24, 2019.

Denim Day’s website has a good article on some misconceptions about sexual assault. You can read it here.

Where’s The Accountability?

Posted on March 19, 20192 Comments

My last post was about how I was affected by the news of my abuser getting off of probation nearly 15 months early. It has been a long road for answers.

When I was finally able to get answers as to why he was let off of probation this is what I was told, “it was a mistake” and that “no one thought to check for a second set of evidence”. The Dallas County DA took my abuser’s attorney’s word on the matter of whether or not my abuser should be on probation without doing any fact checking. So when the matter went before a judge the judge made a ruling based off of inaccurate information due to the inability of the Dallas County DA Office to do simple fact checking.

I wrote a letter to the Texas Attorney General asking for help. I wanted to see if there was any way to correct the situation by getting my abuser back on probation to finish serving the 15 months of probation that he should be serving. I was told by the Texas Attorney General’s Office that they have no oversight control over District Attorneys. They told me you cannot make a DA do anything. You cannot make them prosecute a case or impose a sentence on anyone. While I can understand why that may be; I simply wished for the DA to reexamine the ruling with all the facts. Something that wasn’t done in the original ruling. I was told that if I wanted to I could file a complaint. Which I’m planing on doing. In addition, I was informed that I could seek out advise from a lawyer to see if there were any additional options available to me. After reaching out to several attorneys, and not really getting anywhere with that, I used the Attorney Referral Program. I paid $20 to be referred to any attorney where I would get to talk to that attorney for 30 minutes for that $20. Again, I was told you cannot make the District Attorney do anything. If they have made a ruling, even if it was by “mistake”, then it is done. So, that’s it. There is nothing that can be done.

This is what I struggle with, where is the accountability for bad rulings? By admission, the ruling was a mistake. To my understanding this ruling does not aline with the rule of law when all the facts are taken into account. In my search for answers I was even told by someone the ruling didn’t seem legal, but yet there it was. All I wanted was a way for this to go back before a judge where this time all the facts would be known, and then let the judge make a decision. I wish the Dallas County DA Office would have held themselves accountable, and taken steps to rectify their mistake.

So, here I am with no avenue of recourse, but to file a complaint. A complaint that I’m sure will do little good. An attorney may be reprimanded for failing to do their job, but I won’t hold my breath on that. At the end of it all my abuser has still gotten away with getting off of probation 15 months early. As a victim I feel I still deserve to see him serve out his full sentence.

Here’s To That One Thing, That One Win, and Fighting For Your Goal

Posted on August 28, 2018Leave a comment

I wish I could say that I’m winning at living as though I know what normal is, but last week was a total bust for me. I found out that my abuser is off of probation a lot sooner than what I feel he should be. A judge decided that he had fulfilled his 10 years of probation. My understanding of things would have put him off of probation in 2020. I wish I had clarity. I’ve made phone calls and am still waiting for someone to explain to me, to help me understand this ruling.

When I heard the news, I couldn’t breath as easily, I started feeling shaky and started crying. I felt as though my legs had been knocked out from underneath me. I was not at all mentally prepared to hear my abuser is off of probation. To hear he is no longer being closely monitored, or that the no contact order is no longer in effect. All this scares me. I know a no contact order is just a piece of paper, but that piece of paper brought a lot of comfort to me knowing that he could not legally contact me. There’s the rational part of me that knows his sense of self-preservation is to high for him to contact me or to even come close to me. Then there is the part of me that lived my most impressionable years living with a man who is not just abusive but also vindictive. That part of me will always be scared of him and what he is capable of doing. It’s a real struggle to allow the rational side to win over fear.

IF ONLY we could heal as quickly as it took for the trauma to take place. There would be no lasting PTSD because we would all heal before it could affect us in such a way. We wouldn’t have to worry about anxiety or depression. These would all be fleeting things and over before they could have any real lasting effects. Sometimes it’s nice to think about how easy things would be IF ONLY healing could be done so effortlessly. But reality calls, and we must answer it, and continue the fight to heal.

One day we will do that one thing that will help us feel as though we are functioning just a little bit better. Then at some point we will do it again. Then one day we will notice that one thing is becoming easier to do, and we’ll do it more often than before with the hope that one day it won’t be a struggle at all. Today’s one thing for me was something as “simple” as taking a shower and blow-drying my hair. This “simple” act helped me feel as though I’m functioning just a little bit better since hearing the news about my abuser getting off of probation.

At the moment, healing is a struggle. While I admit healing is a struggle, I must also admit it takes a strong person to fight to heal. I feel we must give ourselves credit for the strength we have to not only survive trauma and abuse but to take up the task to heal from it. We should take pride and comfort in every battle won. For every battle won puts us that much closer to our goal of healing.

Here’s to that one thing, that one win, and fighting for your goal. May today’s battle to heal be filled with those “one things” and those “little” wins; may it take you one step closer to your goal.

I Did It! I Finally Got It!

Posted on May 8, 2018Leave a comment

A little over a month ago I found myself doing something I had wanted to do since I was in High School.

That’s right, I got a TATTOO, baby!

Like I said, I’ve wanted one since High School but have never settled on anything where I thought, “Yeah, I want that permanently on my body FOREVER”. I’m kind of picky like that…haha

I must say, I absolutely love my tattoo and all the special meaning it holds for me.

It says “Beloved” with a cross. I chose this word to remind me that I am God’s beloved. Something I struggle to remember at times.

I chose a teal semi colon for the first e in beloved. Teal is the color for sexual assault awareness. My story does not end with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager. My story continues on in how I choose to heal from my past and how I choose to live my life moving forward from the abuse.

After the semi colon it says “loved”. For I am loved, and I need this reminder. Abuse has a way of affecting our view of how love “worthy” we are. We are all worthy of love, and sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

My tattoo serves as both a reminder to myself, and as a testimony to how far I have come. And I absolutely LOVE IT!

I’m already thinking about getting another tattoo 🙂

How the Case Against Larry Nassar Has Inspired Me

Posted on January 26, 2018Leave a comment

The trial of Larry Nassar, the ex-USA Gymnastics team doctor, has inspired me to want to update my victim impact statement. I have loved the way Judge Rosemarie Aquilina has presided over this case. She has enabled the victims of Larry Nassar to have a voice. A voice that was listened to, heard, and validated. That is so important to the healing process.

As I think back to my victim impact statement, I think about how naive I as at the time. I didn’t have the slightest idea about how the abuse had really impacted me and my life. I had not yet faced the real impact of what happened to me till AFTER I had went to court. A large part of that is due to me still being subjected to unhealthy family dynamics at the time I filled out my victim impact statement. Not being able to see and recognize how unhealthy my family is kept me from being able to recognize how deeply I was affected not only by the sexual abuse but also by the emotional neglect from the rest of my family.

While I filled out my victim impact statement my grandmother had told me to add information about how it had affected my mother because “she is a victim too”. This came back to bite me in the butt during trial; along with other advise she had given me.

I had first disclosed about the abuse to my grandmother. My mother was suicidal all through my teen years. The adults around me had made me responsible for making sure she didn’t kill herself. Since I was living overseas at the time I told my grandmother, I had asked her to let me know when my mother was stable enough for me to tell her without worrying about her trying to kill herself. Shortly after I had disclosed to my grandmother, she had told me that my mom and step-dad, my abuser, were planning on getting a divorce but they didn’t want to tell me yet. My grandmother advised me to wait until after they told me about the divorce to tell my mother about the abuse. Then after I was told about the divorce, I was told I should wait till after the divorce was final to tell my mother because my step-dad would say that I was making it up due to the divorce. Finally, my grandmother suggested to me that perhaps we would NEVER need to tell my mother about the abuse I had gone through. She wanted to sweep it under the rug. I ended up telling my mom about the abuse before the divorce was even filled for because she was considering still living with him after the divorce. I couldn’t stand the taught of going home to see her and still having to be around him. I had to let her know what he had done.

To think back to all of this just pisses me off! It shows me how disposable I was to them. How I was just something to be used. My grandmother was not concerned about how the abuse had affected me. She was more concerned about making sure my victim impact statement showed how my mother was affected. When it came to my mother I was the first thing sacrificed on behalf of her.

After the trial I came across a book called Toxic Parents, and that book changed my life. For the first time ever, I saw how unhealthy my family relationships were. It opened my eyes to so many things. This started my journey of finding out how the abuse had truly affected me. It’s been nearly 11 years since trial and I still feel like I’m learning how not just the abuse has affected me but how everything else I went through as a child has impacted me.

Now that I have a better understanding of how the abuse has affected me, I want to update my victim impact statement so that it more accurately reflects how I, not my mother, has been affected by the abuse.