Leah K. – Page 30 – In Search Of Healing

So…Seriously…I Don’t Get It…It Proves NOTHING

Posted on August 17, 2010Leave a comment

Growing up my ex-step-mom worked on projects that she wasn’t allowed to talk about, and I remember being told that she couldn’t talk about them because if anyone ever came to the house to try to get us to tell them, then we wouldn’t be able to tell them anything because we wouldn’t know anything. Then after my dad and my ex-step-mom divorced; and Jon, my mom, and I moved to Texas I was told that Jon had security clearance for his job.

Leading up to court Jon claimed that he never had security clearance until right before court in 2007, and they even had his resume put into evidence…SERIOUSLY?! WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?!…NOTHING!!! Jon claimed that he had disclosed the pending court case against him in his application, but no one ever contacted the D.A. to ask them about the case. It doesn’t matter what is in his resume; what matters is what I was told, and what I believed.

My mom even knew that he had security clearance. He would always have us watch shows about government conspiracies, and at times claimed to have some kind of knowledge about it. One time Jon said that he was going to Area 51, and said that he could take me with him, but I had school and couldn’t go. Jon went there more than once. He would fly to El Paso, Texas and then go to Area 51 from there. Jon would go into Mexico to get cheep antibiotics for our dog who had skin allergies. My mom even remembers seeing his plain tickets.

Before we moved to Texas Jon worked for an Aerospace company that made satellites. Jon would travel to other countries to help with the launch. Also, when we moved to Texas Jon worked for another company that required a security clearance, and lots of traveling. Jon would tell me things like…that he had seen the launch codes for the satellite that was launched, and gave the codes to our government who then sabotaged the satellite; and that I couldn’t tell anyone because he had signed a confidentiality agreement that he wouldn’t talk about anything that he had seen, and that he could be charged with spying if I said anything. This is just the tip of the iceberg of lies and mind games that Jon did.

If Jon really didn’t have security clearance then how was I to know. A child or teenager is not going to have access to an adults resume, and even then the adult could have made a fake one or lied on their resume. There really is no way for a child or teenager to know. PLUS, my mom even knew that he had security clearance!!! There was NOTHING going on in my life to suggest that Jon was lying about having security clearance. So, what on earth would make them think that his resume had anything to do with it?! It is my opinion that Jon lied about not having security clearance until right before court in 2007. But regardless of that what matters is he told me he did (and there was no one to tell me otherwise), and that I believed him.

I’ve just been thinking about this lately, and about how absurd I think it is that they put his resume in as evidence during court. I just don’t get it. IT PROVES NOTHING!!!

Francesca Battistelli – Beautiful [with lyrics]

Posted on August 11, 2010Leave a comment

I really love this song. Especially the beginning of it: “Don’t know how it is that you looked at me and saw the person that I could be. Breaking through the dark; suddenly your grace like sunlight burning at midnight making my life something so beautiful, beautiful”.

Healing Is Scary?!

Posted on August 10, 2010Leave a comment

OK, it’s time for some total honesty here…more than anything I want to be healed from my past, but there is a part of me that is afraid of the healing. I’m determined for good to be produced out of this horrible time of my life. To use my experiences to help others. I guess that I’m afraid that if I were to just drop it and forget about it, then who will validate what happened to me? I’ve had a hard time finding the support that I crave, and I’m learning to try to heal with giving myself that support that I crave. So, if I no longer hold onto it, then who will care about what happened to me? Will I have suffered a horrible childhood for nothing? How then can good come of it if it was all in vain? I guess that I’m afraid that it will mean that what Jon did was OK, and I know that it WAS NOT OK. I know that to truly be able to help others that I need to heal, but at the same time it feels like I can’t help if I fully let go of it. It’s a fear that is keeping me locked up, and unable to fully heal. I have to find a way to over come this fear if I am to heal from my past, and be able to live the life that I want to live!!!

I like to write, and this blog is helping me to think out loud. When I write these posts it helps me to put my feelings down in writing, and makes them clearer for me to see just what it is that I’m feeling. It’s a real roller coaster at times full of conflicting and confusing thoughts that are not always easy to work through. With today’s post I was able to figure out more clearly why in the back of my mind I find healing scary, and I was able to realize that I have to let go of that fear. I’m not going to pretend that it will be easy. In fact, I think that it’s going to be really hard for me to do because I am afraid that no one will care about what happened to me; and I want to know that people care, and that what happened does matter. But I am committed to my healing, and to doing what it takes to heal; even if that means overcoming my fears.

My Distraction Cycle Is Damaging

Posted on August 7, 2010Leave a comment

Things haven’t been going very well for me lately. The last depression medicine that I was on really set me back. I felt too overwhelmed to do anything during the day. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to bury myself on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the Internet on Facebook. When I look at the house chores that I have to do I become very overwhelmed because I work up these tasks in my mind into these chores that I can’t possibly do well enough for my perfectionist mind; so, I distract myself from it. The more I distract myself the more the house work piles up, and the more it piles up the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more I distract myself from it. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break, and one that I desperately need to break because it is causing damage to my family. Don’t get me wrong; my house isn’t filthy, but it’s not necessarily in a state where I would want people over to the house to see it.

Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn’t do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident…Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I’m not the world’s fastest worker; I’m actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can’t work at his pace doesn’t mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can’t keep up with him.

I haven’t been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home…hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.

This journey hasn’t been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It’s very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can’t deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn’t desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much…it’s too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I’m going through. I don’t feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.

Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I’m in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I’m so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I’m screaming at myself, “what are you doing!”, “why are you on this thing!”, “you should be in the other room with your family!”, “GET OFF!”. But I feel glued to my chair. It’s not a nice or pleasant feeling…that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.

I Hate Depression

Posted on July 31, 2010Leave a comment

Over the last few months I’ve been trying different antidepressant medications trying to find the right one to help me function the right way during the day. It wasn’t all that easy for me to even think about getting help like that. I hate depression, and the fact that I need help. It just got to the point that I felt that it wasn’t healthy for my daughters to see me struggling to keep up with the house work, and with cooking dinner. I don’t have the type of depression where you feel sad all the time; which is probably why it’s so hard for me to accept that I need help. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything around me that it paralyzed me to the point that I didn’t feel like I could get anything done around the house. When I did finally go see a doctor she tested my serotonin levels which turned out to be very low. This does help me to realize that I have a chemical imbalance that I have no control over, and that taking medicine should be able to help me feel better. I do not think that taking antidepressants is a fix all solution. It is something that I plan on doing for now, but I plan on someday being healthy enough to get off of it.

I recently tried switching the antidepressant that I was on, and well…I’ll just say that it’s not the right one for me. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was having some trouble sleeping, and most important of all…I had ZERO drive to do ANYTHING during the day. I pretty much spend all of yesterday on the couch. The whole day I was yelling at myself in my mind…saying things like, “what are you doing?!” “get up and do something!” “don’t just sit there” “why are you doing that”. The more I yelled at myself the more bogged down I felt. I couldn’t stand feeling the way that I felt yesterday, and I wasn’t going to continue on that medicine to see how long it would take to see if it would help. I had been on it for about a week; most take a few weeks to fully help, but there was no way that I was going to wait that long and to continue to feel that way. So, I’ve put myself back on the previous medicine that I was on until I go the next time to see the doctor. It’s not that the previous medicine was all that bad (it did help me some); I just thought that there might be something out there that would be better. Which is why I was trying the current antidepressant that didn’t work out too well.

The reason why I hate depression, and having to take medicine for it has a lot to do with my childhood. My mom was suicidal pretty much all through out my teen years. She would just sit there and cry, and do nothing. I grew to see crying as a weakness that I never wanted to have. Yeah, sure my mom went to doctors for help, but it wasn’t much help. The more medicine she got on the more suicidal she got. It was all just a bad mix of medicine. She would have side effects to one medicine, and instead of changing the medicine the doctor would just add another medicine that came with it’s own set of side effects to add to the mix as well. I remember hiding the car keys from her so that she couldn’t just drive off…driving while crying is such a dangerous thing. She would tell me that she just wanted to run away or drive off a bridge. I even stood behind and in front of her car so that she couldn’t leave the driveway on different occasions. I did my best to help / “fix” her, but nothing I did worked. So, you can see why I was so hesitant to be on antidepressants, but I’m still not going to allow myself to be put on a lot of medicine all at once. It has all boiled down to what kind of mother I want to be, and what kind of memories I want my children to have of me. I don’t want my girls to remember me as a mom that couldn’t get anything done, and just sat around the house. I want to be so much better than that for them…they deserve it.